06 At home on the road

 

Hard to believe, but tomorrow I start the penultimate week of my internship at KAS, and at the same time the penultimate week of my stay in Cambodia. The schedule for the next few weeks: Pretty much mapped out and structured. But that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to it. On the contrary, I am full of anticipation to let this incredible year 2022 end the way it began. Traveling, that is. Christmas in Bangkok with the Schade girls and the Joswigs, a few days of yoga on Koh Phangan, a short pit stop in Bavaria, and on to... Tampere, Finland. Kind of surreal when you write it down like this, but just the beginning of the semester abroad in Finland becomes more tangible with every day that passes, and I'm looking forward to it insanely. But back to the present moment.

Right now I'm on the bus from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh, and sitting next to me is one of my absolute favourite people, Mathilde. A few weeks before that, I was traveling the same route, with another favourite person on a visit, Pauline. It's amazing how many visitors I get here - it's really nice to have traveling friends. Just like Pauline and I did a few weeks ago, Mathilde and I spent the last few days exploring the temples of Angkor together, and this morning we saw the sunrise over Angkor Wat. It was wonderful to visit the eighth wonder of the world for a second time, and both times with people who are absolutely fantastic in their own way. Angkor has not changed perceptibly in the last two weeks, although appearances are of course deceptive. Even these impressive complexes are decaying, being built up, rotting, being taken over by gigantic tree roots, exposed to the terrifyingly fascinating heavy rains during the rainy season and the drought and extreme heat outside the rainy season. But of course you don't notice that when you visit the same place twice in less than a month. What changed between the two visits, however, were the travel companions and my inner peace of mind. And that is exactly why both trips to Angkor were unique and unforgettable in their own way. I'll try to tell you how and why here.

Pauline picked me up with her open, loud :D, confident, fun-loving and smart nature at a time in Siem Reap when I was just mentally hitting rock bottom. I was pretty much just stressed the whole of November and didn't notice for a long time. At KAS, I was locked into some challenging and exciting projects that demanded a lot from me during working hours. However, in my free time I didn't dim the fire, I poured petrol on it. I filled myself up with activities, went out partying pretty much every weekend, developed sleep problems, got my periods irregularly, lost weight in the meantime. In short, I did nothing to cushion the strain at work and build resilience. When Pauline and I met in Siem Reap, I had just finished a KAS project that had cost the whole project team a lot of time and energy. My only thought was: now it's done, now it's time to relax with Pauline.

                                     Enjoying lunch with Pauline in Sindora's pepper farm in Kampot

And Pauline and I did indeed have a wonderful time. Pauline is a woman with whom you can laugh until your stomach hurts, enjoy every single meal a little more, be motivated to flirt proactively, treat yourself to something good and beautiful, grumble about the patriarchy and make jokes about it, channel a lot of femininity. And at the same time having the most profound conversations about all kinds of things. On our first day exploring Angkor, we sat in a quiet corner of the Angkor Wat temple for over an hour talking about the protests in Iran and much more that moves us politically and emotionally. Our trip took us to Phnom Penh (and me back to the KAS office) for a couple of days, and the icing on the cake to beautiful Kampot. What an unforgettable trip that cemented our already deep friendship. However, during the trip I noticed how high my inner stress level still was. All the stress hormones only diminished in small steps, and I noticed that my mind could no longer cope with the processing of all the impressions. I hadn't allowed myself to feel stressed for the whole month. But at some point it catches up with you, and that was the case these days. The tension had to come out, and the whole thing culminated in me having a mental meltdown on 25 November (my 26th birthday). Sounds drastic, but I honestly needed that. Just being able to admit that everything had been too much in the past weeks, crying it all out and letting the façade of balance and confidence crumble - there's nothing healthier than that. And then, brick by brick, this tower of pent-up stress came down. And I learned from it to observe and adjust my workload more critically. The journey with Pauline was a coexistence of an unspeakably beautiful time with a great friend, and the fact that my mental health was not quite up to scratch during that time. And that's exactly why it was good to have someone like her around, because Pauline reminded me of the beautiful and enjoyable. After she traveled back to Vietnam, I continued what we had nurtured extensively during the trip: Taking good care of ourselves. So just three weeks ago, I sped through Angkor with a dichotomy of inner tension and at the same time a very great zest for life. It's amazing what a person can feel at the same time, isn't it?

And now Angkor again with Mathilde - in fact, I saw the same things as during the trip with Pauline. But my perception was completely different! On the one hand, this was due to the fact that I was much more relaxed than three weeks ago - the self-care, as they say, worked. On the other hand, it was due to the presence of Mathilde. And Mathilde is simply someone very special to me. During the bachelor's program, we often went through emotional ups and downs together, went to Mexico together, and were Passau's coolest two-woman shared apartment for almost two years. Above all, living together in Passau forged a very intense bond between us. Even today we know what the other one feels and thinks when we are together without having to say it. She radiates an unbelievable calmness, depth of soul and inner strength, and at the same time she is an over-excited, funny and quick-witted person. Simply wonderful. Sometimes we don't hear from each other for weeks, and when we meet again or hear each other again, it's as if no time has passed. And that's how it was this weekend when we met in Siem Reap. The dynamic between us is a lot calmer and more introverted, absolutely soothing. In the last 48 hours alone, we have had many very deep conversations, and at the same time really a lot of fun on the side. And in that short time we have both, each in our own way, been able to give free rein to our creativity. Namely, when we visited Theam's Gallery in Siem Reap this afternoon. Theam's Gallery is not just an art gallery. Rather, the entire building is a total work of art, with winding little gardens, ponds, retreats in the greenery in the middle of the city. We strolled through the grounds together for a while, stroking cats, getting drinks in the café, and then we each retreated to a different corner to just be. I sat down by one of the ponds, took my diary out of my backpack, picked up a pen - and wrote a poem for the first time in a long time. The poem is titled "2022", and is, quite obviously, about the big and small things that have happened to me this year. It's a very, very personal poem, which is why I won't publish it here. Anyway, it was really the first time I've written poetry in about a year. At first, there was just emptiness as I tried to feel into myself. And then suddenly, the words came. It was so beautiful. I then illustrated the poem a bit, with a few sketches that I scribbled next to it without thinking. When I read the poem again, I realised: this is me. I am with myself. A feeling I had been missing lately. I looked for Mathilde and found her a few metres away from me in a chair. She was drawing in her diary, it was a beautiful sketch of the garden. For her, too, it was the first drawing in a long time. And we both agreed that this hour on a sunny Sunday afternoon in a garden somewhere in Cambodia had been a very precious hour. We talked about this feeling of being with oneself, about creativity and art. Leaves me in awe, every time.

                                     Going back to the roots with Mathilde in Theam's Gallery, Siem Reap.

Twice in the past few weeks I have traveled to the same place, and yet they were two completely different experiences, each valuable and simply magical in its own way. What I took away from it all: It really doesn't matter where you go. It depends on who you bring with you, your travel companions. People are so different, carry such different qualities and energies. And I have the privilege of having some very exceptional human beings among my friends, it's a real family of choice. Some of them travel, some prefer to stay in the same place, both great. In any case, it makes a big difference who you travel with, whether it's across Southeast Asia or to the nearest village disco in Lower Bavaria. And someone who is always there is you. No matter where, no matter when. You can neither lock yourself out of your home nor leave it behind at the airport gate in Munich. This You always comes along, everywhere, and that's why here's this little portion of psychology from the kitchen table: Be good to yourself, unconditionally. It's not something you have to work for or earn. Goodness is simply there for you. I forgot about it for a few weeks, but now I remember. That's okay, we're all stand-up people. In this spirit, have a wonderful third Advent!

Bacioni,

Vroni

(written on 11 December)